Is it just me, or have you been feeling fatigued and weighed down by the worries of the world? Are you experiencing days when you wake up and wish that it were already time for bed? Does it feel near impossible to focus on a simple task for work? Are you not able to motivate yourself, let alone all the people that rely on you at work or at home? Or, perhaps even more frustrating, can you not do your job because the person you rely on, simply doesn’t have the energy or direction to do theirs? If only it were already 2021, right?
Do a quick internet search on ‘quarantine fatigue’ and you will see article upon article discussing our collective feeling of tiredness and how best to beat it. The sheer number of articles, linked articles, nested articles, blogs, tweets etc. on the topic is fatiguing to think of. This tiredness, it’s too much. Coronavirus is too much. Everything feels like too much. ‘God how long can this go on? Can’t you see it’s crippling me, crippling everyone?’
Having experienced the physical fatigue that often accompanies Covid-19, the kind of tiredness that keeps you in bed all day as the body aches and the headache feels like it’s teetering on the edge of explosion, what I feel now is something very different. I wonder if what I am feeling is not ‘quarantine fatigue’ but grief.
Grief, as defined by my Apple Pages writing software, is ‘deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.’ To define it further: sorrow is ‘a feeling of deep distress caused by a loss, disappointment or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others, and distress is ‘extreme anxiety or pain’. I do not doubt that I, and much of the globe’s population, as we watch our nations, families, and friends lose loved ones and face unemployment, social unrest and upheaval, we are living through a prolonged period of grief…and, until that elusive vaccine, there is no end in sight. Could the entire world be living through a period of grief?
For me, my tipping point was the death of George Floyd at the hands of a Police Officer in the United States and the subsequent protests, violence and looting. Then seeing businesses burning that I would frequent in Los Angeles up in flames; it broke me. For I saw the deep scars, pain, hurt, anger, despair, rage, and grief of an entire community of people ripped open and laid bare. The truth can not be denied: we are a broken people living in a broken world. And Coronavirus, our unseen enemy, makes ground every day. Our cries for justice, our grief, is surely heard throughout the universe. For we are ‘exhausted and completely crushed. (our) groans come from an anguished heart. (Psalm 38:8)
Until today, I have not been able to bring myself to blog. And even now, I still don’t know what to say. I am as lost for words as I am in thought. I have no answers. No solutions. I am but a small voice in an increasingly loud world. What, if anything, could I blog about that might encourage you? That might bring you peace? That might inspire you to read God’s word? That might be an answer, or insight, into an unspoken question you have? How could I possibly think that I could be a little of a light to you when the world that we knew crumbles beneath our feet and nothing seems to make sense? I have been overwhelmed with sadness, with confusion, with grief. It’s not just because of injustice, it’s everything. And I’m going to guess that you feel it too.
I did make a few attempts to blog. I have been reading about King David and King Saul. I finished the books of Matthew, Mark, Judges, and Joshua, as well as reading most of the Book of Psalms. There’s a lot of topics I could have chosen to blog about but nothing felt appropriate. Personally, I was encouraged by David’s years in the wilderness and, as it touched on a previous post of mine (Is it just me or does isolation feel like a wilderness?), I could have easily written something about it – Specifically that David spent about a decade in the wilderness running for his life even after God (and Samuel the Prophet) had anointed him as the next King of Israel – talk about a long time waiting for an answer to prayer! I found many Psalms of David to be relevant and encouraging (honestly, given his struggles and persecution, his songs and poetry are extraordinary), but I still couldn’t bring myself to write.
So why today? Why is today so different? Well, I think it’s because I am finally able to recognize, to define, what it is that we are all going through. It’s not fatigue, it’s grief. We’re grieving loss that our generation has not known before. Lost jobs, lost health, lost lives, lost childhood, lost economy, lost connections with family and friends, lost education, lost birthdays, lost weddings, lost funerals, lost church, lost entertainment, lost travel, lost opportunities, and lost freedoms. We’ve also managed to lose faith in the democracies and nations of the world we live in. Nothing is certain. All is unknown. Together we cry out for God’s help and together we can weep and mourn for ‘Morning, noon and night (we) cry out in our distress and the Lord hears (our) voice.’ (Psalm 55:17.)
So, I’ve cut myself some slack for not being able to blog. For, in periods of grieving, it is better not to say anything and just listen.
Listen and pray.
‘Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! Please listen and answer me, for I am ovewhelmed by my troubles.’ (Psalm 55:1-2)
Pray for our world leaders. Pray for God’s presence to be found and known. Pray for revival. Pray for God’s will to be done here as it is in heaven. Pray for healing. Pray for peace. Pray for the families of those who have lost love ones. Pray for those who are sick. Pray for a vaccine….the list goes on.
God is listening. He is waiting for us to seek him. He wants us to trust him. He desires for us to be in relationship with him so that, and because of, ‘God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace’. (Luke 1:78-79.)